I cannot stop my negative thoughts!

 

From time to time we all have negative thoughts that cross our minds. However, it is up to us if we are going to challenge them or simply live with them and their consequence. Whenever a situation arises that brings up negative emotions we call that an activating event. Many people have the false notion that after an activating event occurs people that an emotional or behavioral response occurs after that. Meaning other people make you have an emotional reaction. However, there is a step in between the event that activates us and us having an emotional response. The missing step is that there is a negative automatic thought that triggers your reaction. An automatic thought is the thought that automatically occurs after an event has happened. Therefore, our thoughts behind the activating event is what cause us to experience the event positively or negatively. It is vital for you to be able to identify your negative thoughts, the feelings that follow, and understand where the thought comes from.

 By the age of 8 our core beliefs about ourselves are established such as “I am good enough” or “I am unworthy”. Out of these core beliefs is how we interpret our experiences. Therefore, if you believe I am unworthy someone not holding the door open for you may be a trigger point. Once the person allows the door to slam on you your negative automatic thought maybe, “I am unworthy,” and your negative emotions will take over from there. However, it is our job to take hold of those negative thoughts and combat them instead of living with them. The key is to challenge the thought as soon as it appears to eliminate negative effects. Below are some steps to help combat negative thoughts.

1.      The activating event. Describe in detail the situation that preceded your negative feelings. This helps to see if there are any patterns and what was the catalyst to unpleasant emotions or behaviors.

Example: I was at the Grocery store and someone hits their cart into my cart. The person came out of nowhere and I hurt my elbow.

2.      Automatic negative thought. Cue in to the automatic negative thought about the event that led to the negative feelings or behaviors.

Example: “Obviously I am invisible.”

3.       Find the source of this core belief. This negative thought is a core belief that has been establish in childhood. When did you feel this way before? Has this been a theme that you have carried in your life?

Example: When I was a child people always forgot about me when we played hide and go seek.

4.      Identify the consequences. What was the emotional response or behavior that was elicited after the negative thought appeared?

Example: Emotional: I was sad, angry, and disappointed. Behavioral: I pushed their cart.

5.      Challenge your negative thought. Sometimes we live with our negative thoughts. It’s time to challenge the rational of it. When we get so overwhelmed we move into fight or flight and cease thinking with the rational side of our brain. Taking time out to think about what you are thinking about helps bring your thoughts back into conscious awareness. Therefore, leading to a more rational conclusion. What is the evidence that makes your negative thought true and what is the evidence that makes your negative thought false? Many times, there is more reasoning behind the thought being false which leads to healthier thoughts and feelings

Example: Pro: The person did not see me. The person made contact with me as if I was not there. Con: The cashier greeted me as I walked in. My neighbor waved at me this morning. My spouse calls me to check in on me. My spouse always knows when I am upset.

6.      Alternative thought. This will lead to a newer and healthier thought about the situation. With a new perspective you will be able to see the situation more clearly. Instead of feeling unworthy because the person did not hold the door for you, you are able to externalize the personals actions. Instead of internalizing what the person did you can say, “the person is having a bad day” or “they did not see me.”

Example: The person did not mean me any harm. They simply were not paying attention.

7.      Alternative consequences. Now you will have healthier emotions and behaviors in relation to the event.

Example: Emotional: Relief Behavioral: I walk away with my head held higher.

Anytime you have an emotional shift it is important to go through the 7 steps to challenge your thought. It is key to know your triggers and be able to write them down to find any patterns. You may find a theme or pattern of “I am not good enough” or absolute thinking. Once you write out ant journal your emotions you will be able to better sort out why you are feeling the way you do and empower yourself that you can change your thoughts. There are a multitude of automatic thought records available online. Once you find the thought record write out 4 or 5 times you have had an emotional shift and follow the steps to resolve your negative thought to a healthier thought and belief about yourself.

8 Healthy Communication Tips

Do you feel like you tend to talk in circles with your significant other? Until you implement effective communication techniques you may never fully dialogue about the issue at hand. Dr. John Gottman has stated that 69% of marital/couples issues are perpetual problems that are deemed “unsolvable”. What does that mean exactly? Instead of trying to figure out solutions start a dialogue about the problem in a healthier way. When we speak with our significant other we want to feel heard, respected, validated, and understood. However, it can be hard to reach that conclusion because men and women tend to “speak different languages”. Biologically men and women are wired differently and that can create issues in relating. Generally speaking, men tend to speak and like to be spoken to in a concise and bullet-pointed fashion. On the other hand, women veer towards being more detail oriented. Also, typically speaking men tend to be “fixer’s” and want to solve the problem. Unfortunately, moving directly into problem-solving can end up leaving the spouse feeling as if she is a problem to be fixed instead of a person to be heard. Women tend to want a “listening ear” and may be more of an external processor rather than internal. Men may tend to keep things to themselves in order to eliminate the stress on their spouse, or they may feel like they should be able to handle it themselves. Seeing that men and women biologically tend to speak to each other in different ways we each person can end up feeling invalidated. Invalidation is one of the key factors that lead clients to my office. Invalidation is the act of not taking into account the others emotional experience. That leads to shutting off emotions, not sharing and internalizing feelings of shame. The relationship becomes an unsafe place to share. Men connect physically women connect emotionally. Using the 8 communication tips below will help you validate each other’s experience and enhance healthier communication skills.

1) Soften your startup. 

Bring up concerns and needs in a way that is assertive instead of aggressive or passive-aggressive. When you first bring up a problem or complaint make sure that it is soft instead of critical. This a protection mechanism to help eliminate the attack/defend pattern. You can soften the startup by taking out blame and tone.

2) Reflecting back what you have heard. This helps to clarify that you understand the message that the speaker is sending. Reformulate what was said. For example, if your spouse says, “I have been running ragged all day.” You can respond by saying, “I am sorry to hear that you had such an exhausting day”.

3) Inserting and noticing the emotion that is being shown. Putting out the emotion that the person is exhibiting helps you to remain engaged and help the speaker feel heard and understood. For example, “I can see how that is irritating.” Taking note of the emotion the speaker is having and addressing it helps the speaker to feel validated. If you notice the person is frustrated as they are speaking you can point that out and validate it.

4) Use non-verbal communication. Body language accounts for a higher percentage of communication. You have to be aware of what your body is saying. Leaning in, nodding your hand, reaching out or touching their hand are nonverbal ways to communicate you are there.

5) Be present.  Do not try to have dual attention while you are listening. Do not think about other things, look at your phone, glance at your watch, or peek at the TV. These can be interpreted as non-verbal cues that you are not interested, are in a rush, or are just plain not engage. When you are engaging in conversation with someone maintain eye contact with the person and that helps you to be fully aware. Try not to listen to respond, but listen to here. Also, try not to problem solve for the person unless they specifically ask for advice.

 

6) Use Engage meaningfully with probing questions.  You are able to engage more meaningfully with probing questions. Ask “who”, “what”,  “when”, and “where” questions to make sure you are engaged. Try to avoid asking “why” questions because that can lend itself to a defensive response. Asking questions will help the person to feel more heard and keeps you present and engaged. The person on the receiving end of the questions will feel like you care and want to know what is going on. Many couples state to me that they feel upset when there significant other has nothing to say or add to the conversation.

7) Talk less than you are listening

Do not over talk the person who is presenting something to you. You can reserve your opinion for the right time. Be mindful of being a listening ear rather than the immediate problem solver. Sometimes you may want to jump right into fix it mode and can overtake the conversation with advice or solutions. Keeping your opinion or solution until asked can help eliminate frustrations. 

8) Validate the person. Do not correct the person’s thoughts. 

Try to not tell the person “No”. They know their experience and you can validate that. Validation is one of the biggest keys to connecting emotionally and intimately. Sometime you may not agree with the person and that is okay. However, it is not okay to tell the person how they are wrong or the whole’s in their viewpoint.

You may find yourself in a power struggle, push/pull cycle or attack/defend. These are unhealthy communication patterns that we can fall in. If you feel that your conversations have become circular try implementing these 7 communication tips. A key element to healthy communication is to approach each dialogue in the best way that will allow you to be heard. Many times conversations can immediately start off the wrong. This typically happens when one person feels attacked and the conversation turns into a heated cycle of attack/defend. In turn, the problem is left untouched and continues building on top of the last issue that was left unresolved or addressed. If you feel that your conversations have become circular try implementing these 8 tips