There are six types of roles children from an unhealthy family system can take on: hero, dreamer, scapegoat, comedian/mascot, golden child, or caretaker/enabler. Every child has a primary role they go to in times of stress. When the system becomes chaotic the child assumes their role they to try to balance the family. At times, a child can interchange between roles or assume a new one as time passes. This is especially true if a sibling leaves the family unit and a role is left unfulfilled. These roles maintains dysfunction instead of stopping it.
The Comedian child
The comedian is the one who can break the family tension and deflect conflict with humor. They divert the pain of the system and displace their fear by being funny. They tend to crave approval from others and want their family to feel like things are fine. This individual is a people person who is seen as goofy and charismatic. Since they can make anyone laugh they are known as the “class clown.” They are also known as the distractor and manage the family tension. They deal with conflict by diffusion. They keep the peace by increasing laughter. Shift the atmosphere of a room.
They get uncomfortable with dysfunction or conflict and want to help diffuse it. They are unsure how to assertively address the stress of the system so they draw attention away from the chaos with comedy. They believe it is hard to be angry, argue, or fight when you are laughing. The comedian can break tensions for a time, but the symptoms never get fully addressed or resolved. They busy themselves so much with deflecting the problem that they do not acknowledge their feelings about what is going on. They focus on keeping the system intact but lose touch with themselves. Feel uncomfortable with anger and conflict. Proverbs 14: 13 NLT says, “Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.”
The comedian feels the need to maintain the family’s equilibrium and keep the peace. They are joyful peacemakers who believe they are supposed to make others happy and be a constant source of entertainment. Therefore, they do not feel the freedom to be sad or have an issue even if they are struggling. They do not feel entitled to negative emotions because others do not give them the space to not be okay. They feel they have to always be “on” because people point out when they are not carrying on as their usual upbeat selves. They feel burdened to make sure they do not show pain or unpleasant emotions to keep the family equilibrium. Sadly, they do not like asking for help and internalize what is going on in the family. The comedian is typically the youngest child.
The Dreamer child
If you were a dreamer you felt lost within the family system. You stay hidden within the household and are overshadowed by the family’s dysfunction. It is hard for you to feel a part of reality and are easily disturbed. They like to spend time by themselves and tend to withdraw from others to keep safe. The dreamer follows the rules, stays quiet, and does not like to make waves. This child is usually the youngest or middle child. They are also known as “the lost child.”
The dreamer is deeply triggered by the stress in the environment and does not know how to tolerate discomfort. It is extremely hard for them to feel grounded and present while they are disturbed. They strongly desire to escape their chaotic reality by any means necessary. Unfortunately, they do not have the skills or support to adequately cope with what is going on around them so they numb the pain. They often use depersonalization and derealization to get by in their world.
Depersonalization or derealization is a way to detach from their environment, thoughts, body, memories, and people around them. They will not feel connected to their surroundings or themselves. Objects appear unreal and they feel as if they are floating above themselves or watching another person from the outside. They can often lose track of time, have memory lapses, and feel as if they are outside of reality. Due to these symptoms, it may be hard to get their attention and they may even appear to be in another world. They tend to listen to music and go away in their minds or with books. They dream and fantasize about being somewhere they are wanted and loved. A dreamer will go to a place in their minds where they cannot be hurt and have the life they always wanted.
They can easily dissociate from emotions about what is happening around or inside them. To cope with the environmental stress they dissociate with books, movies, daydreaming, and fantasies. They can become so entrenched in their dissociation that they may pass large amounts of time without their knowledge. They also idealize their life or create a second world to get by in their reality. They place themself in the characters they read about in books or watch in movies or television. They associate with the character who has the life they crave or the characteristics they desire. They find hope in the character or live vicariously through them. For example, they will frequently imagine themselves living the life of powerful characters who overcome adversity. They do not want to rock the boat or make waves so they stay quiet. They do not cause trouble and can be used similarly to the hero child. Since they have no negative behaviors everything is okay. The family seems fine.
The Hero child
The hero is viewed as the responsible child who is perfectionistic, self-sufficient, and an overachiever. A hero is seen as composed and can be hyper-independent. They are wise beyond their years and seemingly hold it together very well. They are looked at as old souls and act older than they are. Hero children have the propensity to become caretakers, rescuers, and overfunctioners. Others heavily rely on them to get things done and they allow it. These characteristics make it easy for the child to take on adult responsibilities or switch roles with the parent. When this happens, the child begins to parent their parents and forget about their own needs. They also become the parental figure in their friend groups. The paradoxical part about being the hero is they save everyone else but do not focus on saving themselves.
A hero child fears looking inadequate, showing weakness, or being wrong. Their goal is to be perfect in everything they do. This type of child learns from the mistakes of others and desires to be better than everyone. Their goal is to not fall into the same negative cycles as their parents. They make it a point to do the opposite of what their parents have done. They view life through the lens of what they should not do rather than what they should do. They do not like being vulnerable and consider themselves strong. They become parentified and take on the role of an adult. Want to be perfect, fear failure and trying new things. Lack grace for themselves. They are good at being obedient and not making waves.
Hero children are self-sufficient to a fault. They do not like to rely on others even if it would be beneficial to them. They fear people are unreliable and believe they can only count on themselves. Furthermore, acknowledging they need help would be admitting they are not perfect in their eyes. They also believe people will not get things done as well or efficiently as they would. They are highly competitive and can be critical of mistakes being made so they like to do things on their own.
Hero children are natural-born leaders but can be rigid and rule-bound individuals. They want to control their environment and eliminate chaos. They believe everything will be okay when they get involved and take charge. They are type-A personalities and want to create family equilibrium through their achievements. The family can come together because of the accomplishments the hero has. They show the system there is hope. Having a seemingly perfect individual in the family system makes them feel normal and look normal from the outside. This child is typically the eldest. The job of the hero child is to make the family look good. No matter how good the child’s works are, it is never enough. Shrink back to not be a burden.
I was the hero child.
Strength & Serenity 