In a world that often emphasizes external validation and measures of success, the concept of self-love can seem elusive, even indulgent. However, self-love is not a luxury; it’s a fundamental necessity for our mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. It’s about cultivating a deep and unconditional acceptance of ourselves, flaws and all, and recognizing our inherent worthiness.
At its core, self-love is about understanding that we are enough just as we are. It’s about releasing the need for perfection and embracing our imperfections as part of what makes us uniquely beautiful. This journey towards self-love is not always easy. It requires patience, compassion, and a willingness to confront the limiting beliefs and negative self-talk that may have been ingrained in us over time.
Self-love is not about narcissism or selfishness; it’s about honoring our own needs and boundaries while also respecting the needs and boundaries of others. It’s about setting healthy boundaries in our relationships and prioritizing self-care without guilt or apology. When we practice self-love, we become better equipped to show up fully for ourselves and for those we care about.
One of the most profound aspects of self-love is its ability to foster resilience in the face of life’s challenges. When we love ourselves deeply, we are better able to navigate setbacks and failures with grace and resilience. We recognize that our worth is not contingent upon external achievements or the opinions of others, but rather, it stems from within.
Cultivating self-love is an ongoing journey, not a destination. It requires daily practice and a commitment to nurturing ourselves in mind, body, and spirit. This may involve activities such as meditation, journaling, exercise, or simply spending time doing things that bring us joy. It also involves cultivating a supportive inner dialogue and challenging the inner critic that seeks to undermine our self-worth.
As we embark on this journey of self-love, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to ask for help and support along the way. Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends and family, seeking support can be a powerful tool in our quest for self-love.
In a world that often tells us we’re not good enough, self-love is a radical act of defiance. It’s a declaration that we are worthy of love and belonging simply because we exist. And as we embrace this truth, we not only transform our own lives but also create ripple effects of love and acceptance that can inspire others to embark on their own journey towards self-love. So let’s embrace the journey, with all its twists and turns, and cultivate a deep and abiding love for ourselves that knows no bounds.
In a world that often emphasizes external validation and measures of success, the concept of self-love can seem elusive, even indulgent. However, self-love is not a luxury; it’s a fundamental necessity for our mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. It’s about cultivating a deep and unconditional acceptance of ourselves, flaws and all, and recognizing our inherent worthiness.
At its core, self-love is about understanding that we are enough just as we are. It’s about releasing the need for perfection and embracing our imperfections as part of what makes us uniquely beautiful. This journey towards self-love is not always easy. It requires patience, compassion, and a willingness to confront the limiting beliefs and negative self-talk that may have been ingrained in us over time.
Self-love is not about narcissism or selfishness; it’s about honoring our own needs and boundaries while also respecting the needs and boundaries of others. It’s about setting healthy boundaries in our relationships and prioritizing self-care without guilt or apology. When we practice self-love, we become better equipped to show up fully for ourselves and for those we care about.
One of the most profound aspects of self-love is its ability to foster resilience in the face of life’s challenges. When we love ourselves deeply, we are better able to navigate setbacks and failures with grace and resilience. We recognize that our worth is not contingent upon external achievements or the opinions of others, but rather, it stems from within.
Cultivating self-love is an ongoing journey, not a destination. It requires daily practice and a commitment to nurturing ourselves in mind, body, and spirit. This may involve activities such as meditation, journaling, exercise, or simply spending time doing things that bring us joy. It also involves cultivating a supportive inner dialogue and challenging the inner critic that seeks to undermine our self-worth.
As we embark on this journey of self-love, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to ask for help and support along the way. Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends and family, seeking support can be a powerful tool in our quest for self-love.
In a world that often tells us we’re not good enough, self-love is a radical act of defiance. It’s a declaration that we are worthy of love and belonging simply because we exist. And as we embrace this truth, we not only transform our own lives but also create ripple effects of love and acceptance that can inspire others to embark on their own journey towards self-love. So let’s embrace the journey, with all its twists and turns, and cultivate a deep and abiding love for ourselves that knows no bounds.
Childhood is a formative time filled with experiences that shape the adults we become. Among these experiences, rejection holds a particularly powerful influence. Whether it stems from peer interactions, parental relationships, or societal pressures, childhood rejection can leave lasting imprints that echo into adulthood. Understanding the ways in which childhood rejection affects us as grown-ups is crucial for healing, growth, and self-awareness.
The Seeds of Self-Doubt
Internalized Beliefs: Repeated experiences of rejection during childhood can lead to the internalization of negative beliefs about oneself. Whether it’s feeling unworthy, unlovable, or inadequate, these beliefs can take root and persist into adulthood, impacting self-esteem and self-confidence.
Fear of Abandonment: Childhood rejection can instill a deep-seated fear of abandonment, making it difficult to trust others and form meaningful relationships in adulthood. This fear may manifest as clinginess, avoidance, or difficulty in opening up emotionally to others.
Patterns in Relationships
Seeking Approval: Adults who experienced rejection in childhood may seek validation and approval from others as a way to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. This can lead to codependent relationships or a tendency to prioritize others’ needs over their own.
Avoidance or Sabotage: On the other hand, some individuals may develop a pattern of avoiding intimacy or sabotaging relationships as a defense mechanism against potential rejection. This fear of being hurt again can lead to emotional walls and difficulty in forming deep connections with others.
Impact on Mental Health
Anxiety and Depression: Childhood rejection can contribute to the development of anxiety and depression in adulthood. The constant fear of rejection or abandonment can create a persistent sense of insecurity and worry, affecting overall mental well-being.
Perfectionism: In an attempt to avoid rejection, some adults may develop perfectionistic tendencies, striving for unattainable standards in various areas of their lives. This relentless pursuit of perfection can lead to stress, burnout, and feelings of never being good enough.
Breaking the Cycle
Self-Reflection and Awareness: The first step in overcoming the effects of childhood rejection is self-reflection and awareness. Recognizing how past experiences have shaped current beliefs and behaviors empowers individuals to take proactive steps towards healing.
Therapy and Support: Seeking therapy with a qualified mental health professional can provide a safe space to explore and process childhood rejection. Through techniques such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), individuals can learn coping strategies, challenge negative beliefs, and build resilience.
Building Healthy Relationships: Cultivating healthy relationships based on mutual respect, trust, and communication is essential for healing from childhood rejection. Surrounding oneself with supportive friends and family members who validate and affirm one’s worth can counteract the lingering effects of past rejection.
Perseverance and Faith: Throughout the Bible, there are numerous stories of individuals who faced rejection and adversity but persevered through their faith in God. From Joseph, who was betrayed by his brothers and sold into slavery, to Jesus Himself, who was rejected by many during His earthly ministry, these stories remind Christians that rejection is not the end of the story. Through faith and perseverance, God can bring about redemption, healing, and blessings beyond what we can imagine.
Finding Strength and Hope in Scripture Romans 8:28: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” This verse reminds Christians that even in the midst of rejection and adversity, God is at work for their ultimate good and His glory.
Psalm 27:10: “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” This verse offers comfort to those who may feel abandoned or rejected by their loved ones, assuring them of God’s steadfast love and acceptance.
Isaiah 41:10: “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” This powerful promise from God reminds Christians that they are never alone, even in the face of rejection or adversity. God is with them, providing strength, comfort, and guidance.
Conclusion
Childhood rejection casts a long shadow that extends into adulthood, shaping our self-perception, relationships, and mental well-being. However, by acknowledging its impact and taking proactive steps towards healing and self-awareness, individuals can break free from its grip and reclaim their sense of worth and belonging. With self-reflection, therapy, and supportive relationships, it’s possible to rewrite the narrative and embrace a future filled with self-love, resilience, and meaningful connections.
In the complex dance of life, establishing and maintaining boundaries is like creating a sturdy fence around the garden of your well-being. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define the limits of what we find acceptable, both in our relationships with others and within ourselves. Understanding the importance of boundaries is not only fundamental to maintaining healthy connections but is also a key component of safeguarding our mental and emotional health.
Preserving Personal Identity:a. Self-Respect: Boundaries act as a safeguard for your self-respect and personal identity. They help communicate to others how you expect to be treated, fostering an environment of mutual respect.b. Individual Needs: Establishing boundaries allows you to prioritize and meet your individual needs. This self-care aspect is crucial for maintaining a sense of balance and preventing burnout.
Healthy Relationships:a. Clear Communication: Boundaries serve as a means of communication, making explicit what is and isn’t acceptable in a relationship. This clarity reduces misunderstandings and helps build trust between individuals.b. Mutual Respect: Respecting and acknowledging each other’s boundaries is a cornerstone of healthy relationships. It creates an environment where both parties feel safe, understood, and valued.c. Avoiding Codependency: Without clear boundaries, relationships can veer into codependency, where individuals become overly reliant on each other for validation and fulfillment. Establishing healthy boundaries encourages independence and interdependence.
Protecting Mental Health:a. Emotional Well-being: Knowing and asserting your limits is crucial for maintaining emotional well-being. Boundaries prevent the intrusion of negativity, stress, and toxic behaviors into your mental space.b. Reducing Anxiety: Clear boundaries alleviate anxiety by providing a sense of control over one’s environment. When you have defined limits, it becomes easier to manage and cope with life’s challenges.c. Preventing Burnout: Boundaries are a preventive measure against burnout. They help manage work-life balance, preventing the overwhelming stress that can result from overcommitment.
Empowering Personal Growth:a. Encouraging Self-Reflection: Establishing boundaries requires self-awareness. It prompts individuals to reflect on their values, priorities, and personal goals, fostering continuous self-improvement.b. Saying No Without Guilt: Knowing your limits empowers you to say no without guilt. This ability is crucial for maintaining a sense of autonomy and preventing feelings of resentment or being overwhelmed.c. Setting Goals and Priorities: Boundaries guide individuals in setting achievable goals and prioritizing what truly matters to them. This, in turn, contributes to a more fulfilling and purposeful life.
Conclusion:
In the intricate tapestry of human relationships and personal growth, boundaries emerge as essential threads. They are not barriers meant to isolate but rather guidelines that create spaces for healthy connections, personal well-being, and growth. By recognizing and valuing the importance of boundaries, individuals can cultivate a life that is respectful, balanced, and conducive to both personal and interpersonal flourishing. So, let us not underestimate the transformative power of setting boundaries, for in doing so, we fortify the foundation of a more resilient and fulfilling existence.
The cycle of abuse is a complex and recurring pattern of behaviors commonly observed in abusive relationships, whether they are intimate partnerships, family dynamics, or even within friendships. This cycle, which typically includes three distinct phases, often repeats itself unless intervention or personal growth breaks the pattern. Understanding these phases is crucial for both victims and those seeking to help break the cycle of abuse.
A relationship with domestic violence follows a pattern of abusive behavior called the cycle of violence. The cycle has periods of love intertwined with periods of abuse. Three phases make up the cycle: tension building, incident, and honeymoon. As time passes, the calm periods will slowly decrease while the violence and tension rise. In some instances, the honeymoon period will stop altogether. The relationship will unfortunately become a cycle of agitation and violence. The relationship starts with the honeymoon phase of bliss, passion, and love bombing. Each relationship’s honeymoon phase differs, some last the first few months and some can last a year or more.
It’s important to note that the cycle of abuse is not uniform in all abusive relationships, and not all abusive relationships follow this exact pattern. Additionally, the duration of each phase can vary, and some abusive incidents may not include all three phases.
Tension building
This phase begins with the slow build-up of tension and stress within the relationship. Minor conflicts and disagreements may escalate, and communication deteriorates. In the tension-building phase, your partner will begin to assert dominance over you. They establish harsh rules, regulations, and punishments if you step out of line. The standards set by your partner are one-sided and sometimes impossible to meet. Some example guidelines can include only being allowed to go out with certain friends, not having contact with family, wearing certain outfits, not talking to coworkers, and needing permission for everyday activities. Other signs of power and control are making decisions for you, controlling what you say and do, going through your personal items, and preventing you from doing what you want to do. This could be starting an argument before you leave or withholding your time.
The rules create a no-win scenario and tension in the relationship. You feel the need to please yet get frustrated by the unfair treatment. You try to live up to the standards but are unable to please them. You take responsibility for their emotions and try to make them feel better. You feel helpless when your caretaking does not work and you can feel more tension arise.
The tension happens when your partner lashes out after they have been triggered. If you break the rules they have set, are not perfect, or embarrass them in some way they feel disrespected and angry. They blame you for their problems and demand you fix them. They feel out of control and feel better by controlling you and your behavior. You feel the frustration and tension building and are anxious about what is to come.
You attempt to eliminate further conflict. You use people-pleasing, caretaking, over-functioning, or appeasing your partner in an attempt to keep the peace. You walk on eggshells and do what you can to support them and fix their problems.
The more you push to fix it the more your partner will pull away. They will become critical, distant, jealous, and withdrawn. Eventually, the tension becomes too great, and the cycle moves into the next phase. Verbal and emotional abuse, such as insults, belittling, and threats, are common during this phase. These actions can gradually erode your self-esteem and sense of security.
Incident
The tension-building phase reaches a breaking point, resulting in an explosive incident of abuse. This can involve physical violence, but it may also include other forms of abuse, such as emotional or sexual abuse.The incident phase happens when some form of abuse occurs. Your partner projects their built-up tension and frustration onto you. They do not take responsibility for their emotions and blame you for their anger. They may physically assault you, call you names, or threaten to destroy your possessions.
Typically, this phase worsens as time goes on. As the relationship progresses, it will lead to more threats, fear, and destruction. You will eventually fear for your safety and the safety of your children, pets, and belongings if you have any. You may also fear for your sanity. After each abuse, you will feel shame, blame yourself, grapple with guilt, and question your reality. You are subjected to intense fear, pain, and trauma during the acute abusive incident. This can be a deeply distressing and traumatic experience, leaving long-lasting emotional and physical scars.
Twisting reality
After the episode occurs blame, emotional manipulation, and gaslighting will typically follow. There is no recognition of behavior, apology, or accountability. The blow-up is blamed on you. They may also say the relational issues are your fault. For example, they may say, “If you did not make me so mad, I would not have to hit you.”
After an abusive incident, you may be gaslit into excusing or denying abusive behaviors. Gaslighting and denial of behaviors are prevalent in relationships with domestic violence.
After a blowup, your partner will distort the reality of the event. They use strategies such as making excuses, blaming, denial, deflections, calling you sensitive, or minimizing what occurred. The goal is for you to be confused and doubt your perception of what happened. They also want you to believe it is your fault to lower your self-worth and work harder to fix a problem which isn’t yours to solve.
If you react to their abuse they will further use that against you to blame you. Reactionary abuse happens when your abusive partner uses your reaction in their favor. If you react to their abuse by yelling, retaliation, or anger they use your behavior to confirm you are the unstable one. As soon as you get upset, escalate, or act out of character after abuse, your partner will use your behavior or emotions against you. Your partner will manipulate the narrative by reversing roles. They will play the victim and assassinate your character. They will point out your inability to control your emotions. They will use your behavior as an opportunity to say you are “abusive,” “crazy,” or “need help.” Your reaction will be used as a way to paint you as mentally ill or the abuser in the relationship. This false narrative they spin can further play into your feelings of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, or belief that you are the problem. Reactionary abuse is not okay.
Eventually, you will feel responsible for the issue, crazy, or silenced. You will question if your perception is correct. The goal is for you to be unsure if you are exaggerating or making up what happened.
Reconciliation
The relational reconciliation will happen in two parts. The first reconciliation is internal and the second reconciliation is external. You will eventually reconcile the mistreatment in your mind. You believe what happened was not that bad, was your fault, or they didn’t mean it. With enough emotional abuse, you will accept the thought, “This is the best I can get.” When this happens you are gaslit into believing you are too much to handle, deserve this, and no one will love you. As time passes you will believe you are worthless and unlovable. It feels like you are difficult to be with and are scared to lose your significant other. You believe they put up with you but no one else will. You stay in the relationship because you fear being by yourself. Because you believe you are the problem you want the relationship to work.
If something is repeated to you enough times you will begin to internalize and believe it. Your partner will diminish your self-worth by saying things like, “No one is going to want you,” “No one will ever love you,” “I am the only one who will put up with you,” or “I am the best you will ever get.” These statements are a way to manipulate you into believing no one else could love you. Your belief system becomes so negatively programmed by the emotional abuse it becomes hard to see the reality of what is happening. You deny the abuse to survive and feel in control. It is a survival technique to take the blame and fix it.
The honeymoon
In the next phase, your partner will attempt to restore the equilibrium in the relationship. They reconcile with you by finding ways to apologize and rebuild trust. They promise to change their behavior and vow never to do it again. They may start to schmooze you by saying, “You know I love you right?” They want to verbally reiterate their love for you but not change their actions. They also groom you by talking about good times and romanticizing the nature of the relationship. They tell you what you want to hear and pander to your desires when you are vulnerable.
It is common for temporary behavior changes to happen. They will briefly give you what you have been asking for in the relationship. They may start playing with the kids more, helping around the house, being more engaged, and promising to get into counseling. If you want the dishes done they will do it, your wish is their command for a short time to suck you back in. They prey on your emotions by giving you just enough of what you desire to keep you on a string and holding onto the relationship. This is called breadcrumbing. You are led on by the behavior. They give you just enough to build your taste of hope to never give you the whole slice. The victim may feel relief, hope, and a desire to believe that the abusive behavior will not happen again. The abuser’s gestures of remorse can create false hope in the victim, leading them to believe that the relationship can improve and the abuse will stop.
They will apologize and have a temporary behavior change. A genuine, “I’m sorry” without blame attached is not given. They will try anything possible to get you back into their good graces and to stay in the relationship. They will buy your favorite meal, get you a present, be attentive to your needs, or do whatever needs to be done to erase your memory of what happened. They may hover around you, call you incessantly and not give you space away from them. They do anything to keep you bound. You feel pursued and wanted which pandered to your childhood trauma and needs. You get back into the relationship only to find nothing changes but your hope for the relationship.
Sadly, the positive changes are fleeting. The tactics are not genuine and are only used to build false hope to keep you attached and hopeful for change. They want you to feel loved. When you feel loved it becomes easier to get sucked back into the relationship with kind gestures. It is worth noting, an apology without behavior change is just manipulation.
Gifts, gifts, and more gifts. They will shower you with gifts. They will love bomb you with dinner, a watch, and a new outfit. The present is a way to pacify, show sorrow, manipulate, apologize, or control. Since your partner is unable to acknowledge their behavior and apologize they buy food or gifts as a way to say sorry and make you feel loved.
Let’s be real, it feels nice to get a gift. It makes you feel thought of, loved, or cared for. In an abusive scenario gifts are a way to change the narrative without behavior change. You see the good in your partner and believe their intentions are pure when they are not. The loving feelings overshadow your pain and intuition. You don’t want to be mean when your partner is trying so hard. Receiving the gifts can create feelings of love, sorrow, or indebtment.
Feeling the love
After tensions have settled, there is a false sense of calm in your relationship. Reconciliation occurs and the bad times get swept under the rug. The increase in positive emotions and behaviors starts the honeymoon phase. You remember why you fell in love. There is increased intimacy, good times shared, and connection during this period. You both feel intense passion again and dissociate from the past. You get intoxicated by the love you feel and the connection you have again. Each person is swept away by the good they see in the present. Hope for the relationship is further increased due to a temporary increase in positive behavior in the person who perpetrated the abuse. The relationship appears to be on a good trajectory because everyone is on their best behavior. You are hopeful that the blow up was the last one and that they will change. You are enticed by their words and given hope for the future. You romanticize and idealize the good of the relationship and start thinking of the future again, which gets you hooked back in.
Sadly, the calm is short-lived and the abuse cycle will continue. Shoving the issue down, focusing on the good, and leaving the abuse unaddressed make the cycle inevitable. There is no establishment of appropriate boundaries or consequences for abusive behavior. The one perpetrating abuse does not take responsibility for their actions and is not held accountable for their behavior. The abuse is tiptoed around until something else triggers it again.
I know you’re busy with all the responsibilities of the adult world, but there are some things from the past that I need to share with you. I’m your inner child, the one who carries all those memories, feelings, and experiences from when you were just a little one.
Sometimes, I feel like you’ve forgotten about me. Life can get so serious, and I get it, you have bills to pay, deadlines to meet, and countless commitments to honor. But I need your attention too. I need your love and understanding.
There are moments from our past that still make me sad, scared, and confused. I wish you would give me the time and space to talk about them. I long for your reassurance and comfort. Remember the time when we felt abandoned, or when we were hurt, or when we just needed a hug and a kind word? Those moments shaped me, and I need you to acknowledge them.
I also want to remind you of the joy and innocence we used to have. Life was full of wonder and excitement. I miss those simple pleasures, like running through the park, playing with our favorite toys, and feeling the warmth of the sun on our face. Can we find a way to bring a bit of that back into our life?
Please, don’t shut me out. I understand that you’ve grown, and the world is different now, but I’m still a part of you. I need you to embrace me with love, compassion, and patience. It’s through healing and cherishing our inner child that we can find a sense of wholeness and rediscover the simple joys of life.
Let’s work together to create a future where we can thrive as adults and cherish the child within us.
Introduction: The holiday season is often portrayed as a time of joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for many of us, it can also be a season filled with stress, overwhelm, and anxiety. From gift shopping to family gatherings, the pressure to create the perfect holiday experience can take a toll on our well-being. But fear not, because in this blog, we will explore practical strategies to navigate and conquer holiday stress.
Understanding Christmas Stress: Before we dive into solutions, let’s understand why holiday stress occurs. It’s a culmination of factors such as high expectations, financial strain, busy schedules, and the pressure to meet societal standards of a “perfect” holiday.
Identify Your Stressors: The first step in managing holiday stress is to identify your personal stressors. What aspects of the holidays trigger your anxiety? Is it the endless to-do lists, family dynamics, or social obligations? Knowing your stress points is key to finding effective solutions.
Set Realistic Expectations: One common cause of Christmas stress is setting unattainable expectations. Instead of aiming for perfection, focus on creating meaningful moments. Understand that it’s okay if everything doesn’t go exactly as planned.
Time Management: Create a Christmas schedule that allows you to manage your time efficiently. Prioritize essential tasks and delegate when possible. Avoid last-minute rushes by starting your preparations early.
Financial Planning: Financial stress often accompanies Christmas time. Establish a budget for gifts, decorations, and festivities. Consider thoughtful, budget-friendly gift options, like DIY presents or experiences.
Self-Care: Amid the hustle and bustle, don’t forget to care for yourself. Practice self-care routines such as meditation, deep breathing exercises, or a warm bath to recharge.
Healthy Boundaries: Set healthy boundaries with family and friends. It’s okay to say “no” to additional commitments if it jeopardizes your well-being. Prioritize your mental and emotional health.
Seek Support: If Christmas stress becomes overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek support from loved ones or professionals. Talking about your feelings can provide relief and perspective.
Mindful Consumption: Practice moderation in your indulgences over the holidays, whether it’s rich foods or shopping. Overindulgence can contribute to stress and fatigue.
Creating Meaningful Traditions: Rediscover the joy of the holidays by creating meaningful traditions that resonate with you and your loved ones. It’s not about quantity but quality.
Digital Detox: Consider taking a break from screens and social media to focus on in-person connections. Engaging in real-life conversations can reduce stress.
Reflection and Gratitude: Take time to reflect on the positive aspects of the holiday season. Express gratitude for the moments of joy and the people in your life.
Post-Holiday Recovery: Find ways to ease the transition back to regular routines after the holidays, such as setting achievable goals for the new year.
Conclusion: The holiday season doesn’t have to be synonymous with stress. By understanding the sources of your stress, setting realistic expectations, and practicing self-care, you can navigate this season with a sense of calm and joy. Remember that the true spirit of the holidays lies in connection, love, and gratitude.
Additional Resources: If you’re looking for more guidance on managing holiday stress, consider exploring books, articles, or apps dedicated to stress management and mindfulness during the holiday season.
Most abuse is silent and invisible. It can creep up in your relationship without you even knowing it. Abuse in relationships typically happens behind closed doors and is subtle. Many times, abusive relationships begin without major red flags. Abuse will start slowly and then gradually increase as time passes. Abuse tends to start emotionally and then escalate into physical abuse. If physical abuse does not happen the types of abuse will escalate over time.
Domestic violence, an insidious epidemic that knows no boundaries of age, gender, race, or socio-economic status, continues to plague our communities, leaving a trail of devastation in its wake. It is a pervasive issue that demands our unwavering attention, empathy, and commitment to change.
If you are in a relationship with domestic abuse, you are not alone. According to the national domestic violence hotline, “on average, more than 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the US will experience rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner. More than twelve million people each year are experiencing domestic violence.” I encourage you to seek help if you are in a relationship with intimate partner violence. You deserve a relationship without abuse.
Abuse is a cycle of “nice” and “nasty” behavior. We typically go wrong when we let the nice behavior overshadow or excuse the nasty and abusive actions. Even if someone apologizes it is still abuse. An abusive relationship is a paradox. Even though it hurts it still feels good.
Domestic violence is not confined to physical acts of aggression alone; it encompasses a spectrum of abusive behaviors that include emotional, psychological, financial, and sexual abuse. Yet, at its core, domestic violence is a matter of power and control, manifesting in patterns that can be difficult to recognize and escape. Understanding these patterns is pivotal to helping survivors and preventing future instances of abuse.
What is abuse
Abuse refers to the harmful or wrongful treatment of someone, often involving physical, emotional, psychological, verbal, sexual, or financial actions. It can occur in various settings, including personal relationships, institutions, workplaces, and society at large. Abuse can take many forms, some of which are very subtle.
The definition of abuse is misuse or abnormal use. Abuse is the mishandling of a thing for personal gain. It is the misuse of power and control to exploit others to get what you desire. It is a pervasive pattern of power and control showing up in the relationship. Abuse is a harmful action being inflicted upon you repeatedly.
It’s not okay if a partner does stuff like weaponize scripture, All forms are serious, and hurtful, and should not occur in your relationship. There is never an excuse or exception for abuse.
Emotional abuse can be a precursor to physical abuse. When you are in a relationship with domestic violence it can again feel normal. Domestic violence is the illegitimate use of power and control within a relationship. This relationship can involve an intimate partner, family member, ex-partner, or the person you are living with. Domestic violence has a spectrum of behaviors ranging from power, control, threats, humiliation, gaslighting, intimidation, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse, and more.
The ultimate goal of abuse is to gain total control over their partner’s actions and thoughts. This is done by tearing down their mate’s self-esteem so they stay in the relationship and more easily succumb to abuse tactics. It somehow feels like you deserve it. When you receive abuse for so long you believe it is what you deserve.
Phases of an abusive relationship
I want you to give yourself grace for what you did not know. When you are in a relationship, it can be hard to recognize abusive behavior. Many times, the abuse is subtle instead of outright. It can be even harder to see red flags, even if they are dangling in front of you. Sometimes you do not know what is happening in front of you. It feels acceptable, or you deny or excuse it. It is helpful to know what abuse looks like because it can be hard to recognize. May try to fix it. Believe they will change.
Abuse starts subtly and gradually increases. It is rare to see a relationship that starts with extreme violence and turmoil. If it did, most people would walk away. An abusive relationship will start with grooming behaviors, not harmful ones. The goal of a perpetrator of abuse is to have someone they can have power and control over. They do not want to scare their potential partner away, so they draw them in with love bombing only to eventually pepper in abuse. Once the abuse goes unchallenged, it becomes a cycle of full-blown abuse.
Relationships with intimate partner violence will build in three stages: charm and build trust, isolation from social support, and making it too dangerous to leave. The goal of each phase is to make it harder for you to escape the relationship.
A partner with abusive tendencies will not show extreme violence at the beginning of the relationship. When you first meet them, they will present themselves as charming, alluring, and present. They will dote excessive amounts of attention on you. The beginning of the relationship is passionate and blissful. In the first phase, the goal is to charm you.
They may do this by love bombing, inflating your ego, and talking about the future. They chameleon to what you want and meet all of your needs. They dote on you with excessive amounts of gifts, affirmation, and attention. You become so blinded by the whirlwind of affection that it is impossible to see the red flags before you. They show you the best version of themselves, meet all of your needs, and make you feel good about yourself. You are charmed into believing the best about your partner. A false sense of trust starts to build and you feel like you know the person. Sadly, they only show a curated version to appeal to you. Their behaviors make you believe they are a good person and have good intentions for you when they do not. They have shown you their “good side” to suck you in, but this side of them will never return.
They will also build trust by being vulnerable and sharing some of their backstories. They may make up sad stories or share genuine stories of hurt in their life. They may tell you a story about their past, which brings you closer to them. This is to make you feel empathy for them. You may even want to fix them or help. You believe their life would be better with you. They need you!
You trust them, become vulnerable, and let them in. You may feel compelled to help or fix them and see the potential they have. You let your guard in and tell them things about you no one has ever known. It makes you feel attached, close, and secure. These feelings blur lines and create an unhealthy attachment. You may start naming children and talking about moving in together even though you do not know each other.
They will also accelerate the relationship by talking about marriage, kids, and moving in together. You start dreaming about your future together and forget you recently met. Pastor Jerry Flowers said, “They will sell you a dream when it is really a nightmare.” Very intense and passionate and believe each other is your rock. A strong bond quickly attaches and idealizes the relationship.
The goal of the first phase is for your partner to build trust and accelerate the relationship. When your foundation is built quickly, it makes it easier to ignore red flags. It also makes it easier for your relationship to crumble. You also remember the good times and build your hope on that instead of what is in the present. When they are abusive you think back to the first phase and know there is good inside your partner. Little do you know the beginning phase was a tactic instead of genuine behaviors. They set a foundation for meeting your needs and being a confidant at the start of the relationship. Trust is first built so it becomes harder to believe the abuse when it happens.
Your partner will slowly and subtly phase violence into the relationship to not scare you off. They will test the water with jabs, jokes, and ordering around. They also test boundaries to see how far they can get. When they see there is little to no push back they believe it is all clear to increase the intensity of abusive behavior. If you are receptive to the abusive behaviors, your partner feels they have clearance to escalate abusive behavior and potentially get physically violent. The violence will progress throughout the relationship even if it does not have physical abuse.
This involves behaviors where positive and negative behaviors intermingle. The goal is to wear down your boundaries to eventually accept abusive behaviors. At the beginning of the relationship, they will test you by ordering you around, demanding you to do things, and seeing how far they can bully you without them standing up for yourself. You excuse these negative behaviors when they arrive because they have been so kind.
They alternate between being kind and being abusive to confuse you about who they really are. They also want you to believe the nice version of them is reality and the mean version of them can change. In reality, the mean version is their true self and it is a matter of time before that person is present at all times.
They also want the abuse to remain a secret. They are one way with you and another way with others. People would find it extremely hard to believe they are abusive because they kept those behaviors hidden.
The second phase starts when they slowly start isolating you from social support. Their goal is to eliminate your ability to access outside resources. Once all outside influences are removed total control can be had. They also isolate you from yourself and who you are as a person. They widdle down your self worth, take your autonomy and question yourself. When you lose your autonomy you become dependent on them. They will try to turn you against family and friends so you can rely solely on them. They will make you cut contact with friends and family or limit who has access to you. They do not want others to influence their lives so they make ways to cut off social support. Once they have isolated you enough they will begin to control you. They will become more aggressive to gain power and create fear in you.
During this time, abusive behaviors will gradually increase in frequency and intensity. Once the behaviors show up full-blown, you will be so entrenched in the relationship and abuse cycle that it becomes hard to get out, even if you want to. When the abuse reaches its height you will be devoid of social support, money, confidence, and hope.
The goal of financial abuse is to deplete you of resources and create a reliance on them. They want you to ask for money and look to them for support, the ultimate way to gain power and control. When your partner has control over the money they can withhold and give as they please. If you leave the relationship it becomes hard to maintain equilibrium without assets. Your partner will seek to dominate you by keeping you economically dependent upon them. This can include forcing you to quit your job, isolating you from others, coercing you to get pregnant. or making you drop out of school. Make you feel there is no way out of the relationship.
Your name may get removed from cars, homes, finances, and possessions. At its worst, you will not have ownership of any property or assets. You may get coerced into quitting your job, dropping out of school, or having/taking care of a child. They become dependent on their significant other’s resources and lose control. The person receiving abuse will stay due to having inadequate financial resources, social support, or stability if they get out.
In severe cases of financial abuse, it can be nearly impossible for you to develop long-term stability due to having ruined credit profiles, a lack of capital, and diminished access to accounts. You believe you must stay in the relationship to survive.
The next phase starts when a pattern of extreme abuse begins. This phase is riddled with fear. In the final phase, you face a no-win scenario. You fear for your life if you stay and if you leave. There is also fear of not being able to find a better partner. Your emotions and worth become so whittled down that you believe mistreatment is what you deserve. It feels like no one else will love you. Staying feels like the only plausible answer. You also yearn for the person to love you, see you, and want you.
Being an empath is a unique and often misunderstood trait. Empaths possess a heightened sensitivity to the emotions and energies of others, which can be both a blessing and a challenge. In this blog, we’ll explore what it means to be an empath, the strengths and struggles that come with it, and how to harness this gift for personal growth and positive interactions with the world.
Understanding Empathy:
The Essence of Empathy: Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Empaths take this a step further by not only understanding but also feeling the emotions of those around them.
Signs of Empathy: Empaths often exhibit signs such as strong intuition, a deep connection to nature, and a tendency to absorb the emotions of others, even to the point of feeling overwhelmed.
Strengths of Being an Empath:
Compassion and Understanding: Empaths excel at providing support and comfort to friends and loved ones, as they can truly empathize with their struggles.
Intuition: Their strong intuition allows empaths to make insightful decisions and navigate complex social situations effectively.
Fulfillment: Many empaths find fulfillment in healing professions, as they can use their empathic abilities to help others overcome emotional and psychological challenges.
Challenges Faced by Empaths:
Emotional Overload: Empaths can easily become overwhelmed by the emotions of others, leading to exhaustion and burnout.
Boundary Issues: They may struggle with setting healthy boundaries, often putting the needs of others before their own.
Emotional Drain: Constantly absorbing the emotions of others can be emotionally exhausting and may lead to anxiety and depression.
Coping and Thriving as an Empath:
Self-Care: Prioritize self-care to recharge your emotional energy. Regular meditation, exercise, and spending time in nature can help.
Set Boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary and establish clear boundaries in your relationships to protect your emotional well-being.
Find Support: Connect with other empaths or seek guidance from a therapist who understands your unique experiences.
Embrace Your Gift: Recognize that being an empath is a remarkable trait that allows you to connect deeply with others. Embrace it as a strength.
Conclusion:
Being an empath is a profound and meaningful gift. While it comes with its own set of challenges, the ability to understand and share the emotions of others is a valuable characteristic. By practicing self-care, setting boundaries, and embracing this unique trait, empaths can harness their abilities to positively impact the world around them. Remember, your empathy is a source of strength that can bring comfort, healing, and understanding to those who are fortunate enough to know you.
Codependency is a complex and often misunderstood issue that can have a significant impact on individuals’ mental and emotional well-being. In this blog, we’ll delve into the concept of codependency, its signs and symptoms, its causes, and most importantly, how to break free from these unhealthy patterns.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a dysfunctional pattern of behavior in which one person in a relationship enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, or irresponsibility. It often involves an unhealthy reliance on another person for self-worth, identity, and emotional well-being. While it’s commonly associated with romantic relationships, codependency can manifest in friendships, family dynamics, and even work relationships.
Signs and Symptoms of Codependency
Recognizing codependency is the first step towards addressing it. Here are some common signs and symptoms:
Excessive Caretaking: Codependents tend to prioritize others’ needs above their own to an extreme. They may go to great lengths to make sure others are happy, often at their own expense.
Low Self-Esteem: Codependents often have a poor sense of self-worth. They may base their value on how well they can meet others’ needs or on external validation.
Difficulty Setting Boundaries: People struggling with codependency may have trouble saying “no” or asserting their own needs and preferences. They fear conflict and rejection.
Obsession with Others: Codependents often obsessively focus on the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of their loved ones, neglecting their own needs and interests.
Fear of Abandonment: A deep-seated fear of being abandoned or rejected can drive codependent behavior, making it difficult to let go of unhealthy relationships.
Causes of Codependency
Understanding the root causes of codependency can be essential for addressing it effectively. Several factors contribute to the development of codependent tendencies, including:
Childhood Trauma: Experiencing neglect, abuse, or dysfunctional family dynamics during childhood can set the stage for codependency in adulthood.
Family Patterns: Growing up in a family where codependency is prevalent can normalize these behaviors and perpetuate them across generations.
Low Self-Esteem: Individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to seek validation and self-worth through others, making them vulnerable to codependency.
Lack of Healthy Relationships: A history of unhealthy relationships can reinforce codependent behaviors.
Breaking Free from Codependency
Overcoming codependency is possible with self-awareness and effort. Here are some steps to help you break free from codependent patterns:
Self-Reflection: Start by reflecting on your own behaviors and emotions in relationships. Recognize the signs of codependency in your own life.
Set Boundaries: Learn to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships. Practice saying “no” when necessary, and prioritize self-care.
Build Self-Esteem: Work on improving your self-esteem through therapy, self-help books, or support groups.
Seek Professional Help: Consider therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), to address underlying issues and learn healthier coping strategies.
Support System: Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family who can encourage your growth and recovery.
Conclusion
Codependency is a challenging issue, but it’s not insurmountable. By recognizing the signs, understanding the causes, and taking proactive steps to break free from codependent patterns, individuals can embark on a journey of self-discovery and healthier relationships. Remember, seeking help and support is a sign of strength, not weakness, and it can lead to a happier, more fulfilling life.
In today’s fast-paced world, the concept of being still might seem elusive, even counterintuitive. Yet, amidst the chaos and constant movement, the ability to be still carries immense value for our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. In this blog, we’ll explore the profound power of being still and share practical insights on how to incorporate stillness into your life.
The Importance of Being Still:
Mental Clarity: Being still provides an opportunity to declutter your mind. It allows you to step away from the constant stream of thoughts and distractions, promoting mental clarity and focus.
Emotional Balance: Stillness offers a space for introspection and emotional self-regulation. It enables you to observe your feelings without immediate reaction, leading to greater emotional resilience.
Reduced Stress: Engaging in moments of stillness can significantly reduce stress. It activates the relaxation response, lowering blood pressure and cortisol levels.
Creativity and Insight: Many great ideas and insights emerge when the mind is at rest. Stillness can be a fertile ground for creativity and problem-solving.
Improved Physical Health: The practice of being still is associated with various physical benefits, such as improved sleep, enhanced immune function, and better digestion.
Practical Ways to Cultivate Stillness:
Mindfulness Meditation: Mindfulness meditation involves paying attention to the present moment without judgment. It’s a powerful way to cultivate stillness and self-awareness.
Nature Retreats: Spend time in nature, away from the hustle and bustle of daily life. Nature offers a serene backdrop for contemplation and stillness.
Digital Detox: Limit your screen time and take breaks from technology. Constant digital stimulation can be a barrier to stillness.
Journaling: Writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal can be a form of stillness. It allows you to reflect and gain insights into your inner world.
Deep Breathing: Engage in deep, mindful breathing exercises. Deep breaths slow down the nervous system and induce a sense of calm.
Art and Creativity: Engage in creative activities like drawing, painting, or crafting. These activities can be a form of meditation and stillness.
Embracing Stillness in a Busy World:
Start Small: Begin by dedicating just a few minutes each day to stillness. Gradually, you can increase the duration as you become more comfortable with the practice.
Create a Sacred Space: Designate a quiet, comfortable space where you can practice stillness without distractions.
Set Intentions: Before each stillness practice, set a clear intention. Whether it’s finding peace, gaining clarity, or simply resting, having a purpose can enhance the experience.
Be Patient: Embracing stillness is a skill that develops over time. Be patient with yourself and don’t expect instant results.
Conclusion:
In a world that constantly encourages movement and busyness, the practice of being still becomes a profound act of self-care.
Strength & Serenity 